Complete The Danged Fence(Not Really)

I don't talk about serious issues. EVER. I don't care for them. I just think that certain things are funny. Like the CompletetheDangedFence.com website. We're not going to make a fence around America; that's stupid. People can climb fences. I don't think the problem is that immigrants are just walking into the country; I'm pretty sure that they have tunnels, and a couple of more creative ways to get into the States. Immigrants aren't the neighbors dog, a fence isnt going to keep anyone out. Shit, if I were San Salvadorian, I'd shoot myself out of a cannon over the wall just to get here. America is dope. I don't know. I just think we're dumb, and think that everyone else is dumb. America is that cute girl in math class, who you ask questions during class, just so you can turn around and look at her cleavage. And what sweet cleavage the U.S. of A has. Steak Houses, reality TV, and Drag Racing. Such...sweet boobs.

I had a good time at Chucklestorm. I think the comics were great, and I did pretty well, too. And Ottobar has a pretty sweet stage. Like legitimately, a great room with awesome accoustics. Im in a good mood, but I'm hungry. So Bye

Favorite Shit of the Whatever: Having a girl deep throat my two fingers at the Ottobar. They literally disappeared.

School Starts (Standup+Friendship+Failure=Tim German)

So first day of school starts, and all I can think of is telling jokes. How good I am at it, or how bad I perceive myself, I've been doing alot of standup lately. Here's the deal: I know I've been in everybodys face lately with it, and I'm not trying to be a douche, but I significantly enjoy this. I want to tell jokes. I want to make people laugh. I seriously think I can do it too. Maybe not big successful Comedy Central Specials, but if I work hard enough to write and work on material, I think Ive got the right stuff.

One thing that keeps my dream within reach are my two boys, Atif and Joe. These guys are better than me...SIGNIFICANTLY. They're great writers, great performers, and they don't need a persona, when they're on stage, they're Atif and Joe. They've been cool enough to fucking write and write and write with me, and all we do is write, but when it comes to the grind, that's what stand-up is; lots of fucking writing, with memorization and set work in between.

So we go to NY to do stand-up, I don't want to name drop but (IT WAS AT THE GOTHAM).Joe KILLS it, like literally murders the crowd, with a comedy gun....then with a real gun. Atif kills,and they weren't gonna let them on, but then the Gotham stopped being an asshole, let him on, and then He knocks it out of the park. Then they offer him more time, and he basically tells them to eat shit. I did ok. 5 out of 10 on the Tim German scale of self-deprecation. It was a good trip that ended with us being yelled at by a club owner for "FUCKING PEEING IN HIS ALLEY"

I have a show in 2 days...and im GOING to do well. Im convincing myself of that, as a sort of "say it, believe it, do it" sort of motivational bullshit hypnotism. Come see me if you'd like, Its at the Ottobar. I'd like it if you went, and you might even enjoy yourself.

Favorite Shit of the Whatever: "We should 3D him on a parking meter..." -Atif Myers and "Look at how big of bitches we became when that bouncer showed up" -Joe Welkie

Nice Guy is Dead (New York, a bit of stand up, and a stripclub)

SO i went to New York, with two other people this week. That went ok, got some comics from midtown, bought some scripts, saw the Addams Family musical. That's not the important part of this story though. What happens when I get back is the real fun. So I got to do an open mic, which was baller, over at NADDS...I mean Singer's...and I did pretty well. I got to work my new stuff, which is all pretty good, it doesn't really need that much tweaking.

But the real exciting part of my return from New York is that I finally did it...I went to a strip club. And it was kinda boring, a bit uneventful, and not the nightmare that I had imagined it would be. But I needed to do something fun after...well after some stuff so I went, and I didn't die like I've always feared I would.

I think my new motto for this summer is , "Go out of your comfort zone," cuz being the naive, nice guy hasn't gotten me very far, and I really only like a few of my friends right now. So I'm gonna go be a social explorer and try to maybe loosen up and wisen down. So I'm going to just do everything I've never done...except butt stuff...never butt stuff.

Favorite Shit of the Whatever: Joe Welkie: I have discovered that I hate...myself *Tim German Laughing*

Guess who JUST remembered he had a blog!

Ok so...KLANsmen (what im calling anyone who reads my blog...get it Kinda Like A Negro)I'm sorry. I've been negligent. I have ignored you and this blog. So to the two to four people who follow this...I'm sorry. It's just...I have things to do. Like...eat...and breathe...and unsuccessfully attempt to bed attractive women. So many things have taken my focus away, that KLAN has fallen in my list of priorities to somewhere between getting my eye prescription checked and searching through broadway.com for cute pics of Karen Olivo.

I promise i'll be more vigilant. So guess who's working on a play again. THIS GUY. It's a comedy. I have 23 pages written already...and by the time you read this ill probably have written somewhere around 30-35. Yeah, I'm speeding through this bitch. I'm going to try to put it on somewhere in May, or at least workshop it. You know, see how audiences react. I'll probably put a sample of the script on here in a week or so...so you guys can get a feel for it :D.

have a nice day guys

Favorite Shit of the Whatever: Being a PLaywright.

Joe Welke: Yo ask her if shes got a friend who needs a date. I'm all about Sadie Hawkins

Happy Thanksgiving (I'm still not grateful fo' nofin)

SO today is thanksgiving. Whoopee. We screwed Indians out of their land, wore belt buckles on our shoes and hats. That's old news. What is new news is my new holiday. You're-WelcomeGiving. YWG Day is about reminding people around the world what you've done for them, and how they should treat you better because you've saved them. So

1. Indians: Sorry for the whole "land theft" thing, that was white people's bad. But you're welcome for Casinos

2. France: Yeah...WW2. Enough said "dicks"

3. Gossip Magazines: You're Welcome that Americans are obsessed with celebrities, because this is the only country that you could possibly make a living on that, you bottom feeders...

4. You guys: Im actually posting on a holiday when i could be with my lame ass family. You're welcome


Everything I Love About America#5: The Secret Service



They better be on Real Housewives of DC, or this shit wasn't worth it. It would be so hilarious, if it wasnt shityourpants-style scary. Well it's still hilarious.

Halloween and the silliness begins

Ok, so, Halloween is gay. And not gay in the homosexual way, but gay in the way that lame 6th graders use behind their teachers backs. It's dumb. Here's why: It is a holiday for children, that has transformed into a holiday for adults, where men dress up as one of four things, A superhero, a horror movie villian, A woman (hardy har, because men dressed as women is fucking HILARIOUS), or a disgustingly blatent sexual innuendo. Amidst all of the dickheads who are dressed in "Orgasm donor" outfits or "Good in the Sack" costumes(or my favorite...the one that is just a giant dick. Thats right big floppy phallus just going door to door for candy), you have the newly invented rule that all women should just dress as slutty versions of anything(the glass ceiling has been eliminated folks; women can be whatever they want to be, as long as its a slutty version of that thing.) In a world where adults scream on the news about their daughters promiscuity(see 2 or 3 posts ago), costume companies have begun producing more revealing costumes that said adults' daughters can go and get hardcore porn style pounded by the high school quarterback, inside of a shitty bathroom at their best pal's "cool" dad's house. Like I'm saying. Gay. I'm not trying to sit on a high horse, but, i don't know, if you're gonna be a slutty version of something, at least be an orginal slutty rendition. Be a slutty version of Sebastian Bach. Shit a slutty version of Abraham Lincoln. Trust me, Your originality will be appreciated; then you'll be the chick who "Four Score and Seven Dicks ago" gave every dude at the party a pro-abolitionist, historically inaccurate chubby.


Everything I LOVE About America#4: Drunk Cops And Halloween
Oh, this one explains itself. Gotta love them B-more Cops!

http://www.wbaltv.com/video/21434707/

I mean, sometimes when you're a cop, you need to be drunk... And you need to have your weapon with you when you're drunk...and you need to go through this haunted house and threaten to shoot a kid. These are neccessities people.


Hell at least he's not this guy

Once again...I'm Posting.

OK, so quick recap on my life, Jekyll and Hyde starts Friday...if you want to come to the show (which i would really love for you to do) I think you can buy tickets from here

http://www.aacc.edu/newsonline/2009/10/release1069.cfm

If not...fuck you :D


Ok so here's what youre probably here for

Everything I Love About America #3: Opposition to Gay Marriage


My issue: EVeryone deserves equal rights under the law.I hate that in this great nation it is actually ACCEPTABLE to persecute a group of people based on who (or who not) they choose to fuck. Proposition 8 and all bills/laws/peices of paper with bullshit on them that say that two men or two women cannot marry each other are all just as discriminatory as Pace v. Alabama. Yeah, remember that law? The one that said that white people couldnt marry black people? Yeah, in my mind (and in reality) these two laws are practically synonomous (with black and white being taken away, and gays being pasted right in that mother fucker.) I don't care what the "TRADITIONAL" definition of marriage is; Marriage used to be used to buy land from your friends, marriage also used to be a way to force your daughter into practical slavery; marriage in itself is an archaic institution, so obviously, the traditional form of an archaic term should be considered Cromagnon.

...Apparently not, if you're an idiot. Yes, I'm calling people who oppose gay marriage idiots. I know that's not the most delicate way of handling a situation in which i disagree with a person's views, but that's how i'm going to deal with it. You know what? Im going to go out on a limb. If you oppose gay marriage, you're a homo. You homo, You big fucking queer,You're a flaming queen. The pillow biting ass ravager of ignorance. Just because you can't be happy in your own 2 car, white picket fence, one dog, one cat, 2.58 kid having measley existence, doesn't mean that you have the right to impede on other people's happiness.

Favorite Shit of the Whatever: The terms "Night Rider" and "GhostBuster