I...can't keep this thing up

Blogs. What are they, and what do they do? Nobody knows. Well, everybody knows, but just for the sake of my pontification, no one knows. I can't keep up a blog if I don't know what it is; thus, I can't effectively keep up this blog.

However, I will make a valiant attempt.

School is back in full gear, and I'm attempting to live my life as a typical community college student. That's right, I'm trying my damnedest to ignore my workload, disappoint my mother, and fall into the deep, inescapable pit of teen alcoholism, and by that, I mean, I'm doing what I normally do.

I turn 21 in 5 days. So, I die in 5 days. Now that Jesus has deemed it OK for me to drink, I'd like to meet the guy. (Haha We all know that if God exists, that is NOT where I'm going.) So, I haven't figured my plans out; does anyone want to go to Medieval Times, see some knights slice each other to bits? (I'm not sure if that sounds interesting, but if anyone wants to watch dudes swordf*ck, let me know)

My name's Tim, and I'm bad at blogging.

Favorite Shit of the Whatever: Bane in Dark Knight Rises

...Misogyny is defined as the hatred of women.

Women stand up comedians are not funny, by which I mean to say, I don't find women stand up comedians funny, by which I mean to say that MOST, female stand up comedians aren't funny.

Follow me on this journey, I'm about to take you places.

It's not that women aren't funny, it's far from that, Tina Fey, Molly Shannon, and Maya Rudolph are just a few of the names that ring when I talk about funny women. This isn't a matter of the abilities of one sex versus the other, this is more of a gender tendencies issue. Women comedians aren't funny, not because of their sex, but because of the jokes that it is deemed acceptable for their sex to tell.

Think of the great stand up comedians. Most of them (if not all of them) are men. Most of them are also almost always self-depricating.Sure they may fit in some offensive racial dig, or some off collar comment about politics, but almost always these "humor gods", if you will, tell jokes about their lives and (more importantly) their flaws.

Comedy is for the release of tension, and as a comedian, one's prime directive is to lighten the mood through the usage of an inately human experience, usually, the admittance of flaws.

Now the female comedy experience is almost always the opposite. It is deemed more acceptable for a woman to talk about the negativity of others i.e. the incompetence of one's mate, usually a male; or of the acceptance of a negative social view, such as the outlandish behavior of a slut (tart, skank, trollop, what have you).

Sadly, stuff like this is a product of the social environment. Woman are constantly berated, people are always telling women their not good enough, not attractive enough, not skinny enough, etc; of course, one would think it'd be beneficial to turn the tables and to mock men for their shortcomings. Too bad alot of audiences are men, who don't really consider themselves part of a pedestrian majority of "women belittlers."

Now, it would seem like I'm a sexist. I'm not (mostly). There are alot of bad comedians out there. I'm one of them, and the reason a lot of bad female comedians get a lot of publicity, is the same reason Gallagher and Carrot Top have recurring shows in Vegas and Reno, 5 years running: lack of alternatives. There are few stand ups who aren't hacks, and even fewer female of the species. It's the shitty luck of the draw that this "Comedy Glass Ceiling" affects ladies behind the mic everywhere. (God, that was a shitty fucking sentence)

Favorite Shit of the Whatever: Maria Bamford and Morgan Murphy, good female stand ups

Addendum: I just had a conversation with Joe Welkie, which led me to this point. A lot of funny female actresses wouldn't be good at stand up, because they'd have to sink or swim on their own, and stand up comes with a lot of rejection. Men are taught to seek approval, we need it, to be validated by peers, by enemies, and especially by women. Women can brush this off, "guy didn't laugh at that joke, he's obviously got a thing against women" or they can up and "Well, I tried, no need to try that again." Bombing takes something out of you, but guys are taught that failure isn't an option, and may have the gumption to keep trying (not that women don't, but you see where I'm going) SO here's my last hoorah, DON'T LAUGH AT A FEMALE COMEDIAN JUST BECAUSE SHE'S HOT! Laugh at her because she's funny.

Whats On My Mind

I am on the internet. At my house. I am not stealing this internet, which means that I've actually gotten an internet connection in my home. I also have cable, the Santa Clause 2 is on to prove it. I am siked! I also don't have anything that to write about, except for my excite for the new Batman movie, and how the script was taken in today. I would've been cool if they would've introduced Robin into the real world fold, but people don't like RObin, apparently, so we're getting a kind of lame villian like Dr. Hugo Strange. Ooh, fun, the psychiatrist who wants to be Batman. That SOOOOO much cooler than the guy who can freeze your fucking face with an ice gun. I love the Nolan movies, but COME ON, why is everyone trying to ride the "realism" game. The real world sucks, nobody wants to watch someone's life on TV, that's why reality TV blows. I know that's a rant, but come on!

So I get to compete in a competition with about 300 other kids in this region, all competing for 1 theatre scholarship. I'm pretty sure I won't win. That's ok, though, ACTF is for the experience and networking....and boozing with other theatre kids.

I saw the Sketchup show. It was nice seeing old faces (and some new ones). The thing that I really dig, is that catching up is never too hard with these kids. So w did the whole party and catch up thing, and then I slept over at Joe "The Big Show" Welkie's, and I swear to god some girl came over and he hooked up with her while I was sleeping. I woke up at 5 am, in a drunken stupor, and SAW IT! I SAW IT WITH MY BLACKED OUT EYES!

Who wants to come and see Tron 2.0 and True Grit with me? I'm tryna get my Jeff Bridges on. I need a break from my Secret Santa group,though. I love them, but their CONSTANT facebook messages have taken over my life. When Im not on, I get texts to my phone, when I turn off my phone, a carrier pidgeon flies over my head, and drops the messages too me. It's like they're stalking me, and its RUINING MY LIFE.

Favorite SHit of The Whatever: TRON LEGACY!!!! IT LOOKS NUTS.

Game Time...life is surprisingly, not bad

I sit in the Newsroom of the AACC Campus Current, writing this long overdue update, next to my girlfriend. Yeah, A LOT happened while I was away. Lets start with the most important one.

I write for the newspaper(jk, Im going to talk about my girl). SHe's sweet. Im not going to go on and on or be mushy, cuz, come on, I'm not sentimental. We all know me to be an increasingly bitter mass of resentment and hate, with a handsome face and abs. Brianna,(my girlfriend), didn't find that sentence as funny as I did.

I did another play; I'm almost finished a play, which I'm going to submit to a theatre company to be put on, and I got another ACTF nomination,(OBVIOUSLY, I mean, I'm pretty much awesome. I should just start expecting them, and be surprised when I DON'T get a nomination. Not that THAT will ever happen.) I can't tell if Brianna finds my braggadocio sexy or irritating. I mean, I find it sexy. I guess that's all that matters.

On to more recent matters. JOE WELKIE IS 21!!!! I haven't seen that motherfucker in awhile, so I'll have to buy him a good gift. (Like a box full of shit or something...right guys? Haha, that's funny, right?)Oh, I didn't mention that I'm also losing my mind.

I'll be posting more. At least, I'll try. I always "promise" and then break said promise. SO I'LL TRY.

Favorite Shit of the Whatever: Facebook spiking. I've got your fucking number,
SEAN DEERE

Writing before the week is over...so I can say that I did it.

School has started; the world is back to normal. Back at the Community College for my final semester. Ive decided that when I end my run here, im going to video tape myself staring contemplatively at a classroom by myself...then walk to the door...say goodbye to the empty room...and turn off the light, like every sitcom EVER MADE IN EVER. I'm gonna be Growing Pains in this bitch.

So I saw my first episode of Jersey SHore yesterday...I'm am 2% dumber for watching an hour of that program. I don't know what happened. I saw a couple of guys who look like they get bottle service at clubs, and smell like mozarella cheese and Axe Body spray, a few girls who look like the kind of women I'm usually attracted to (sluts), and a chick that looked like Janice from the Muppet band in a brunette wig, then I forgot how to do some math. I know this isn't the most relevant of posts, but I'd never seen the show before...I guess I now know why. (Note: I am by no means an authority on television. I do not have cable, and spend most of my viewing hours watching reruns of Burn Notice or Castle on Hulu, checking my facebook, and masturbating to Midget Asian Pornography, all within a 15 minute cycle[Another Note: I have amazing stamina...ladies?])

I kid...or do I? I don't know what to write this time around. I got glasses. I'm probably going to drink this weekend...which means I'll probably cry this weekend, cuz god knows when im not doing homework, Drinkin' booze, or getting laid, I am crying myself to sleep...(Note:...I hardly ever do homework, drink, or get laid.)

Self-Deprecation Aside...Life's going pretty well...I'm not happy, I'm NEVER happy, But I'm content. And that's good enough for me. You guys have a good day, I've got some CHinese Little People to go jerk to.

Favorite Shit of the Whatever: Paula Patton: WHY am I late to this party?

Complete The Danged Fence(Not Really)

I don't talk about serious issues. EVER. I don't care for them. I just think that certain things are funny. Like the CompletetheDangedFence.com website. We're not going to make a fence around America; that's stupid. People can climb fences. I don't think the problem is that immigrants are just walking into the country; I'm pretty sure that they have tunnels, and a couple of more creative ways to get into the States. Immigrants aren't the neighbors dog, a fence isnt going to keep anyone out. Shit, if I were San Salvadorian, I'd shoot myself out of a cannon over the wall just to get here. America is dope. I don't know. I just think we're dumb, and think that everyone else is dumb. America is that cute girl in math class, who you ask questions during class, just so you can turn around and look at her cleavage. And what sweet cleavage the U.S. of A has. Steak Houses, reality TV, and Drag Racing. Such...sweet boobs.

I had a good time at Chucklestorm. I think the comics were great, and I did pretty well, too. And Ottobar has a pretty sweet stage. Like legitimately, a great room with awesome accoustics. Im in a good mood, but I'm hungry. So Bye

Favorite Shit of the Whatever: Having a girl deep throat my two fingers at the Ottobar. They literally disappeared.

School Starts (Standup+Friendship+Failure=Tim German)

So first day of school starts, and all I can think of is telling jokes. How good I am at it, or how bad I perceive myself, I've been doing alot of standup lately. Here's the deal: I know I've been in everybodys face lately with it, and I'm not trying to be a douche, but I significantly enjoy this. I want to tell jokes. I want to make people laugh. I seriously think I can do it too. Maybe not big successful Comedy Central Specials, but if I work hard enough to write and work on material, I think Ive got the right stuff.

One thing that keeps my dream within reach are my two boys, Atif and Joe. These guys are better than me...SIGNIFICANTLY. They're great writers, great performers, and they don't need a persona, when they're on stage, they're Atif and Joe. They've been cool enough to fucking write and write and write with me, and all we do is write, but when it comes to the grind, that's what stand-up is; lots of fucking writing, with memorization and set work in between.

So we go to NY to do stand-up, I don't want to name drop but (IT WAS AT THE GOTHAM).Joe KILLS it, like literally murders the crowd, with a comedy gun....then with a real gun. Atif kills,and they weren't gonna let them on, but then the Gotham stopped being an asshole, let him on, and then He knocks it out of the park. Then they offer him more time, and he basically tells them to eat shit. I did ok. 5 out of 10 on the Tim German scale of self-deprecation. It was a good trip that ended with us being yelled at by a club owner for "FUCKING PEEING IN HIS ALLEY"

I have a show in 2 days...and im GOING to do well. Im convincing myself of that, as a sort of "say it, believe it, do it" sort of motivational bullshit hypnotism. Come see me if you'd like, Its at the Ottobar. I'd like it if you went, and you might even enjoy yourself.

Favorite Shit of the Whatever: "We should 3D him on a parking meter..." -Atif Myers and "Look at how big of bitches we became when that bouncer showed up" -Joe Welkie